What do women want? Whelp, that’s basically been running through guys’ minds for millennia, perhaps even tens of millennia.
While I probably won’t have the definitive answer in the next 1,000 words, I have been doing this long enough, with enough people, watching all the science and trends, to give you a pretty good answer.
Also, I’m married, so… proof of concept?
When I meet with my male clients, one of the first questions I ask them is, “What do women look for in a man?” They list all sorts of stuff like money, height, looks, IQ, stability, maturity, and humor. And honestly, while some of these might be nice to have as secondary characteristics, none of them are what is going to make her want to be with you.
Women don’t like men who DO things, women like men who ARE things.
For instance, it’s not the fact that you opened the door for her, per se; it’s the fact that you are the type of person who takes others’ feelings into account and wants to do nice things for her. That makes her swoon for you.
Let’s look at things that you can become and personality traits you can embody to make her like you and want to spend more time around you.
1. Confidence
Yes, yes, I know, you hear this all the time, but what does confidence mean? Simply put, it’s the surety of your own action.
For example, I am a very goofy, silly guy at heart. For me, confidence means not caring what other people are thinking about me if I’m doing something wacky. I’m having fun, and people are drawn to that.
And actually, I’ve found that many people WISH they had the confidence to do some of the things I do.
If you wear a purple shirt, OWN that purple shirt. If you love cauliflower, wear it on your sleeve!
2. Honesty & Communication
Basically, everything comes down to communication and how well you can express your wants and needs. Plus how well you can hear it from others (dating is a two-way street).
Right now, almost anything is on the table. Polyamory, ENM (ethical non-monogamy), FWB, actual relationship, you name it, someone is into it. But we need to communicate what it is we are looking for.
Honesty may get you into some trouble, but lying will get you into way more trouble.
Be honest with what you are looking for. Then you will have an easier time of it finding you.
When I was single, I was very promiscuous, but every woman I was with knew exactly where they stood because I prided myself on my (probably too much) honesty. Turns out, sometimes women want exactly the same thing you do!
3. Manners & Grooming
I’m always exasperated that I have to add this category to articles like these. I wish this stuff would be self-explanatory, but nay, not the case, if listening to my lady friends is any sign.
PUT SOME EFFORT INTO IT!
Let’s just start with the basics. Shower and be clean and well-groomed (shaved, nails cut, clean clothes) for your date, as it is one of the FIRST things she is going to see and notice about you.
Being well put-together shows her that you value her and this date. Simple gestures like opening doors, pulling chairs out, “pleases and thanks yous,” allowing her to go ahead of you, etc., are all easy ways to show you care.
4. Goals & Ambition
I met my now-wife when I was very much “in between jobs.” I had just started this coaching business and was supplementing my income with part-time jobs. It was a bit rough.
I had no money at the time and wasn’t feeling so great about myself. However, I was building a business based on a knowledge base that I had spent many years honing and was looking to expand and grow. Those traits are hot!
You don’t have to have it all right now, no one does, especially if you’re young. But women love a man who knows the value of working hard, sacrifice, and building toward something in the future.
5. Respectful Sexuality
Women are sexual creatures. They like sex (maybe not as much as men, but still, it’s a natural biological desire).
If a woman likes you, she probably wants to have sex with you. It’s okay that you want to have sex. And it’s okay if you let her know that.
However, it’s all in how you do it. Nobody likes to have a creepy dude lusting after them, describing the things they want to do. Yuck!
Women like to know they are found appealing. They generally do like to know they can affect you this way. They like being desired, respectfully (not graphically).
Modern men are learning to be “good guys,” but some are having trouble figuring out how to make that switch from good guy to sexual creature.
I say it shouldn’t be a big switch. You should be peppering your conversations with bits to start the flame going.
“I used to be a swimmer.”
“Wow, I bet you fit that bathing suit perfectly.”
Or when talking about fun summer activities:
“I grew up on a lake, so there were fire, s’mores, guitars, skinny dipping, hot dogs, and cheap beer!”
Now she’s thinking about you being naked, without you getting weird about it.
6. Showing Actual Interest
So many men think that they have to play it cool and not “catch feelings” or pretend that they are aloof to make the girl interested.
You know what the hottest thing is? Knowing that someone likes you!
This goes back to honesty and communication, but if you actually want to date her and see a possible future with her, let her know.
You don’t have to go over-the-top, touchy-feely, just simple phrases like, “You know, I smile a lot when I’m with you.”
Or, “I think it’d be fun to go skiing/swimming with you.” (Whichever one is further away.)
And a big one here, ask her questions! I know that’s not necessarily how dudes converse, but to her, every question you ask her means you value her as a person. Be interested in her.
Yes, It Really Is That Simple
Liking who you are, being comfortable in your own skin, and looking for genuine connections is really all there is.
I like this insight from bestselling author Mark Manson:
“What I’m saying is this: you’ll find a lot of varying advice out there on how to attract women — some will say to tease them, some will say to be selfish and rude around them, some will say to buy them gifts, others will say to be cold and calculating — whichever of these avenues you choose to pursue with women, that is the corresponding relationship you’ll create.”
If you’re a manipulative player in the dating world, you will attract women who are playing the game and trying to manipulate you. If you’re clingy and codependent, you’ll find insecure women who need constant attention. But if you’re secure, confident, and clear, you’ll attract a secure woman who knows who she is and what she wants — and hopefully that’s you!
Be the kind of person who would want to be with!
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